To People in Grocery Stores Who...

...write checks: Why the hell are you still using checks? Do you realize that you can fill everything but the price out while you're waiting to be checked out RATHER than have everyone behind you wait while you struggle to find a pen and THEN fill it out. We're all burning a hole in the back of your head with our eyes. You are being inconsiderate. Get with the times. At least use cash if you're too stupid to manage a Visa Check Card. You can balance your checkbook the exact same way with a debit card, here's the difference: it's FASTER and no one has to wait for your dumb ass to fill out a check. Oh yeah, even YOU old people

.... don't have enough money to pay: It's called a list. Use them. Know how much money you have BEFORE you go to check out and make sure you have enough to pay for what you picked up. I keep a mental tally in my head of how much I've spent while I'm shopping at the grocery store. If you're not intelligent enough to handle that EVERYONE has a calculator on their cell phone, try it. You could even use a tip calculator (most new models have them) to figure out what the tax will be. We're all waiting for you to figure out what you want to return after it's all been bagged. You're wasting every one's time and frustrating the poor check-out people. You look embarrassed, you should be. You look stupid, you probably are.

... don't pay attention to where they're going: Why the hell aren't you watching where you're going with a cart filled to the brim that weighs over 100 pounds? Do you realize that if you knocked someone over and they fell and injured themselves on a shelf, box, etc. you could be sued? I would sue you. I have a back injury and no insurance, I'll get a lawyer that could figure out how to make sure you pay for my medical bills for the rest of my life. All because you were too busy chatting on your cell phone, pushing the cart with one hand and not looking forward as you practically speed-walk through the crowded store. Please pay attention to where you're going.

... can't control their children: Leave your bratty children at home. The crying is bad enough. I can't count the number of times I've seen a child spanked or slapped in the middle of a grocery store or even thrown over a shoulder (well, that's fine because at least they were being taken OUT OF THE STORE). If your child is well-behaved then they'll get comments like, 'Your little girl is so cute!' from strangers rather than eye-rolls, guffaws and sideways glances while they're questioning your parenting capabilities. The way your child behaves in public is most DEFINITELY a reflection on how you are raising them. If they tear around the store, knocking things over and bumping into people- you're obviously not doing the best job. The crying and screaming about how they want something is just as bad. Why is it when your child throws themselves on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying, you don't have the consideration for the people around you to TELL THEM TO STOP rather than ignoring them? That whole, 'Ignore them and they'll stop.' Theory doesn't always work. Oh, and by the way, you could always just NOT take your kids to the grocery store. That is an option. I'm just saying.

... work there and are incompetent: I get that working at a grocery store isn't exactly some one's first pick or career goal in life. However, if you're going to work there, maybe you should know what it is that you're doing. I'm sure there is training to some degree involved in working at a grocery store. So why is it that the employees are complete morons? I get that you hate your job and you have to deal with stupid people and your self-important managers all day (I mean really, why are grocery store managers so arrogant?) but when I smile and say, 'hello' to you when it's my turn to be checked out, do you HAVE to make a total bitch-face and completely disregard me? You know how you have to offer those things at the end of the line that are on sale? Well, you know if you DON'T offer them to me I get one free? I'm going to do that to every shithead grocery store clerk. You're rude to me and don't offer me whatever is on sale I will be asking for it for free. And when you ask why or if you act irritated that I did that, I'm going to tell you why. Then I'm going to leave with my free toothpaste or batteries.

And finally...

To people in grocery stores who think they can talk to me in line: I am not by any means an affable person. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to strike up a random conversation with. Tell me WHY every time I go to the grocery store the person behind or in front of me starts chatting with me? I politely smiled and nodded at the first and second thing you said, that doesn't mean 'keep going, I'm interested' that means 'I don't know you and I don't want to talk to you, that's why I f-ing turned around.' I don't want to talk to you about Michael Jackson dying because you saw the cover and think it's awful. I wish all the child molesters in the world would die so he's just another one down to me. I don't even like his music. Never have. I don't want to hear about how expensive you think milk has gotten. I buy organic, hormone-free milk and pay a whole lot more than you do buying that unhealthy store brand shit pumped full of chemicals and hormones. That's why your kid has man-tits by the way. Way to be a good mom. You should worry a little more about what you're feeding your kids instead of how much milk costs.

I can't help that I notice how everyone around me seems to lack common sense. It frustrates me. I'm surrounded by idiots. Blame my parents, they taught me all about common sense and consideration for people around me, those assholes (it's a joke mom).

That is all.